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Zumba. I love it and I love that it was invented by a Colombian. My family comes from there and we are always happy to show support to Colombians trying to make a mark in the world and since I first heard about it over 17 years ago I've been hooked.

Today, we danced to a Selena song that I was SHOCKED but happy to hear. The song is called Techno Cumbia and it was heavily remixed but it was such a pleasant surprise. I almost wanted to cry. Selena, a Chicana who was not fluent in Spanish but learned it to crossover in the music biz, was murdered when I was 10 and I had only just became a fan of hers like a year before. She was only female Spanish singing artist I loved at the time so it hurt a lot. I never imagined I'd dance to one of her songs in a Zumba class *all* these years later. I've only ever danced to her music in my parent's living room or childhood bedroom. (1 year after Selena was murdered, I discovered Shakira with her Pies Descalzos album and this lil Latina felt content to have another Spanish singing female artist to look up to.)

This was the first class I took in two weeks. Before that, the last time was in early March, prior to the carpal tunnel release surgery on my right (dominant hand). I love going to classes in person because I'm a people person and feed off the energy of the other people in the room and of the instructor's.

Either way, I needed to go today. I needed the release. Husband had the procedure to remove the cancer from his penis and it went well. He will require a final treatment which will consist of a 'heavy duty' cream that will make him "very uncomfortable", but the doctor said doing that last treatment will further reduce the chance of cancer reoccurring in that spot. Not sure if she said area, but anything that can reduce the chance of cancer anywhere for my husband is good.

I am tired of my couch potato status so I am pushing myself to go to Zumba classes 3 times this week. 4 would be a bonus. let's see if I complete that goal...

Anyway, I am exhausted from the day's event's so I hope to actually have a good's night sleep. My track record is not great, but I will try my best. My therapist has recommended me to put my phone away 1 hour before bed to unwind and read from my Kindle to lull myself to sleep. It's so easy for me to get lost for hours watching cooking or baking vloggers on FB, TikTok, or to randomly search for something online, which leads me down a rabbit hole of who invented this, when was this person killed, why is that called what it is called, you get the drift...

The word of the day is relieved. I am relieved my husband is cancer free now as of today! :)

C words...

May. 8th, 2022 11:23 pm
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I've been living in fear lately. Fearful of the unknown regarding my dad's health and fear of the unknown regarding what my husband's future health looks like as well and for the cherry on top, my own.

My father had another liver biopsy done yesterday, through his neck. It will tell us what the next step is. He is sitting quite literally, on the border of needing a transplant per his MELD score (Model for End Stage Liver Disease). He has a history of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease but they (doctors at a world renowned liver disease/liver transplant institution in NYC) don't believe that's why he is close to end-stage cirrhosis. I don't know if time is my enemy or friend these days. I want more time with him, but more time with him also means I see him deteriorate and become a shell of the first man I loved. Cirrhosis. C word.

My husband is having his cancer surgery Monday. It is not fatal but it is cancer. THE C word. A word you don't want to hear coming out of your life partner's mouth. They told us that he will very likely get cancer on other parts of his body in the future, now that he had this type of cancer. It's in a private area so, no, sun screen would not have prevented it as you don't put sun screen there. The sun don't shine there. It's actually caused by a virus that he was gifted by his ex. I was also gifted that virus by an ex.

Anyway, he is the Chandler to my Monica so he is dealing with humor and calls it dick cancer. It's skin cancer, on his penis. I had no idea this was a thing. I thought the virus could only affect me and potentially cause cancer in ME. Now, he needs cancer screenings every 6 months not just for that but for other kinds of cancer. C word.

OH, BTW...he has been out of work for three years. Car accident at work. Cervical spine surgery left him worse, actually. Pesky, life-altering C words.

All this fear and stress has resulted in me having a fibromyalgia flare. Has me deeply rooted in depression and minor bouts of anxiety. My joints are hurting, muscles twitching and aching, head throbbing. My vision is blurry. My skin is in shambles thanks to seborrheic dermatitis as well as mild rosacea on my cheeks.

It's like I can't move. I try to make moments of happiness for myself. Then I'm left alone with my thoughts or my laptop because I'm still working from home and I find myself staring at the ceiling, unaware of how long I was in a trance. I find myself staring at the screen, dazed, unaware of how much time has passed.

I spring back and forth from "I HAVE TO CLEAN! I HAVE TO ORGANIZE! I HAVE TO WASH DISHES!" to not wanting to do anything, not being able to do anything.

Today was mother's day and I couldn't even fully enjoy it. I have two children, a bonus child and a bio child. Another C word. I adore them both, equally and without prejudice. Yes, I mean it. But it's a lot to handle all the above with my father, husband, plus working anywhere from 40-60 hours (from home), therapy sessions (Talk therapy biweekly, PT 3x week because of carpal tunnel surgery. Yet another C word.) and then gentle parenting a teen with mom issues and a toddler I am having trouble bonding with because he doesn't understand why mom is here (home) but not paying attention to him.

I sit on my bed typing this long ass entry and my back is hurting so damn much, I can no longer ignore it.
SO I'm ending this first post now. Good night, be well.

P.S. I never knew I could have a love/hate relationship with one specific letter of the alphabet, but I do. The Letter C. F you. I love someone with that initial so can't hate it fully. As much as I want to.

P.P.S. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by typing this out. So grateful.

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