C words...
May. 8th, 2022 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
indisarrayI've been living in fear lately. Fearful of the unknown regarding my dad's health and fear of the unknown regarding what my husband's future health looks like as well and for the cherry on top, my own.
My father had another liver biopsy done yesterday, through his neck. It will tell us what the next step is. He is sitting quite literally, on the border of needing a transplant per his MELD score (Model for End Stage Liver Disease). He has a history of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease but they (doctors at a world renowned liver disease/liver transplant institution in NYC) don't believe that's why he is close to end-stage cirrhosis. I don't know if time is my enemy or friend these days. I want more time with him, but more time with him also means I see him deteriorate and become a shell of the first man I loved. Cirrhosis. C word.
My husband is having his cancer surgery Monday. It is not fatal but it is cancer. THE C word. A word you don't want to hear coming out of your life partner's mouth. They told us that he will very likely get cancer on other parts of his body in the future, now that he had this type of cancer. It's in a private area so, no, sun screen would not have prevented it as you don't put sun screen there. The sun don't shine there. It's actually caused by a virus that he was gifted by his ex. I was also gifted that virus by an ex.
Anyway, he is the Chandler to my Monica so he is dealing with humor and calls it dick cancer. It's skin cancer, on his penis. I had no idea this was a thing. I thought the virus could only affect me and potentially cause cancer in ME. Now, he needs cancer screenings every 6 months not just for that but for other kinds of cancer. C word.
OH, BTW...he has been out of work for three years. Car accident at work. Cervical spine surgery left him worse, actually. Pesky, life-altering C words.
All this fear and stress has resulted in me having a fibromyalgia flare. Has me deeply rooted in depression and minor bouts of anxiety. My joints are hurting, muscles twitching and aching, head throbbing. My vision is blurry. My skin is in shambles thanks to seborrheic dermatitis as well as mild rosacea on my cheeks.
It's like I can't move. I try to make moments of happiness for myself. Then I'm left alone with my thoughts or my laptop because I'm still working from home and I find myself staring at the ceiling, unaware of how long I was in a trance. I find myself staring at the screen, dazed, unaware of how much time has passed.
I spring back and forth from "I HAVE TO CLEAN! I HAVE TO ORGANIZE! I HAVE TO WASH DISHES!" to not wanting to do anything, not being able to do anything.
Today was mother's day and I couldn't even fully enjoy it. I have two children, a bonus child and a bio child. Another C word. I adore them both, equally and without prejudice. Yes, I mean it. But it's a lot to handle all the above with my father, husband, plus working anywhere from 40-60 hours (from home), therapy sessions (Talk therapy biweekly, PT 3x week because of carpal tunnel surgery. Yet another C word.) and then gentle parenting a teen with mom issues and a toddler I am having trouble bonding with because he doesn't understand why mom is here (home) but not paying attention to him.
I sit on my bed typing this long ass entry and my back is hurting so damn much, I can no longer ignore it.
SO I'm ending this first post now. Good night, be well.
P.S. I never knew I could have a love/hate relationship with one specific letter of the alphabet, but I do. The Letter C. F you. I love someone with that initial so can't hate it fully. As much as I want to.
P.P.S. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by typing this out. So grateful.
My father had another liver biopsy done yesterday, through his neck. It will tell us what the next step is. He is sitting quite literally, on the border of needing a transplant per his MELD score (Model for End Stage Liver Disease). He has a history of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease but they (doctors at a world renowned liver disease/liver transplant institution in NYC) don't believe that's why he is close to end-stage cirrhosis. I don't know if time is my enemy or friend these days. I want more time with him, but more time with him also means I see him deteriorate and become a shell of the first man I loved. Cirrhosis. C word.
My husband is having his cancer surgery Monday. It is not fatal but it is cancer. THE C word. A word you don't want to hear coming out of your life partner's mouth. They told us that he will very likely get cancer on other parts of his body in the future, now that he had this type of cancer. It's in a private area so, no, sun screen would not have prevented it as you don't put sun screen there. The sun don't shine there. It's actually caused by a virus that he was gifted by his ex. I was also gifted that virus by an ex.
Anyway, he is the Chandler to my Monica so he is dealing with humor and calls it dick cancer. It's skin cancer, on his penis. I had no idea this was a thing. I thought the virus could only affect me and potentially cause cancer in ME. Now, he needs cancer screenings every 6 months not just for that but for other kinds of cancer. C word.
OH, BTW...he has been out of work for three years. Car accident at work. Cervical spine surgery left him worse, actually. Pesky, life-altering C words.
All this fear and stress has resulted in me having a fibromyalgia flare. Has me deeply rooted in depression and minor bouts of anxiety. My joints are hurting, muscles twitching and aching, head throbbing. My vision is blurry. My skin is in shambles thanks to seborrheic dermatitis as well as mild rosacea on my cheeks.
It's like I can't move. I try to make moments of happiness for myself. Then I'm left alone with my thoughts or my laptop because I'm still working from home and I find myself staring at the ceiling, unaware of how long I was in a trance. I find myself staring at the screen, dazed, unaware of how much time has passed.
I spring back and forth from "I HAVE TO CLEAN! I HAVE TO ORGANIZE! I HAVE TO WASH DISHES!" to not wanting to do anything, not being able to do anything.
Today was mother's day and I couldn't even fully enjoy it. I have two children, a bonus child and a bio child. Another C word. I adore them both, equally and without prejudice. Yes, I mean it. But it's a lot to handle all the above with my father, husband, plus working anywhere from 40-60 hours (from home), therapy sessions (Talk therapy biweekly, PT 3x week because of carpal tunnel surgery. Yet another C word.) and then gentle parenting a teen with mom issues and a toddler I am having trouble bonding with because he doesn't understand why mom is here (home) but not paying attention to him.
I sit on my bed typing this long ass entry and my back is hurting so damn much, I can no longer ignore it.
SO I'm ending this first post now. Good night, be well.
P.S. I never knew I could have a love/hate relationship with one specific letter of the alphabet, but I do. The Letter C. F you. I love someone with that initial so can't hate it fully. As much as I want to.
P.P.S. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by typing this out. So grateful.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-09 11:33 pm (UTC)In a more cheerful vein, welcome to Dreamwidth!
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Date: 2022-05-10 12:40 am (UTC)Thank you for welcoming me! I hit 'random journal' and stumbled upon yours and you seem very cool! I look forward to reading more of your stuff :)