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Thoughts for therapy
May. 17th, 2022 02:10 pmI feel as though as I am acting moody but I don't FEEL moody. It feels like an out of body experience. I'm acting like a Debbie Downer. My food sucked from Dunkin Donuts today. (latte AND ESPECIALLY my sugar crystal free blueberry muffin) I didn't get to partake in the GrubHub promo so I made my own lunch. It was a salad and it was a letdown. I am the Queen of My Own salads! Wtf. I guess I will never add pork belly to a salad.
I complained online about an apparent transplant in one of my FB group about Queens as they said Queens 'might' be included in today's promo because it said NYC. UGH. Tell me you're a transplant without telling me you're a transplant. Am I right? It's my own private page, I blocked out the names and profile pic (of flowers) so it's not like i did anything wrong.
Plus earlier today upon discovering the paper plates after being told we were 'out'. (SEE, husband, THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN SAID TO BE BY MOST EVERYONE. Just sayin.)
Then there is the thing that happened with stepchild and husband the other night....
But the weird thing is...when I am truly in a bad mood, I feel it. I feel darkness inside me, around me like it has me enveloped in it's arms. I feel tension in my neck, feel my eyebrows furrowed and also feel tension in my jaw. SO is darkness just following me around, unbeknownst to me?
Becuase I feel none of that. I feel light. Unbothered. On the surface. NO, even deep down I feel unbothered overall. I keep repeating to myself "husband took care of you while you were very sick this weekend, while he was (and still is) healing VERY uncomfortably from surgery on his penis". and "I love myself, my husband, my stepchild and child. I will do XYZ not in anger, but because of love." It helps.
So am I faking it till I make it? WTF is going on? The words coming out of my mouth and online are not matching up with how I feel. Or is my mind tricking me into thinking I'm okay?
I mean, I know I'm not. I'm under a lot of stress. I am the sole breadwinner of our family of 4 so I HAVE to be okay. But I am not. I had a fever Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and all day Saturday. And I didn't take a day off work. Why not? Punishment? For what, gd it. I am a good, decent person, but years of therapy still hasn't help me get rid of this great desire to self punish for ...nothing, really. SIGH.
Now my brain is running a mile a minute with all these thoughts and my heart is beating fast.
But again, I'm listening to my Spring playlist, all light music, catchy, etc. When truly moody, I venture towards darker music. IDK anything anymore
I complained online about an apparent transplant in one of my FB group about Queens as they said Queens 'might' be included in today's promo because it said NYC. UGH. Tell me you're a transplant without telling me you're a transplant. Am I right? It's my own private page, I blocked out the names and profile pic (of flowers) so it's not like i did anything wrong.
Plus earlier today upon discovering the paper plates after being told we were 'out'. (SEE, husband, THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN SAID TO BE BY MOST EVERYONE. Just sayin.)
Then there is the thing that happened with stepchild and husband the other night....
But the weird thing is...when I am truly in a bad mood, I feel it. I feel darkness inside me, around me like it has me enveloped in it's arms. I feel tension in my neck, feel my eyebrows furrowed and also feel tension in my jaw. SO is darkness just following me around, unbeknownst to me?
Becuase I feel none of that. I feel light. Unbothered. On the surface. NO, even deep down I feel unbothered overall. I keep repeating to myself "husband took care of you while you were very sick this weekend, while he was (and still is) healing VERY uncomfortably from surgery on his penis". and "I love myself, my husband, my stepchild and child. I will do XYZ not in anger, but because of love." It helps.
So am I faking it till I make it? WTF is going on? The words coming out of my mouth and online are not matching up with how I feel. Or is my mind tricking me into thinking I'm okay?
I mean, I know I'm not. I'm under a lot of stress. I am the sole breadwinner of our family of 4 so I HAVE to be okay. But I am not. I had a fever Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and all day Saturday. And I didn't take a day off work. Why not? Punishment? For what, gd it. I am a good, decent person, but years of therapy still hasn't help me get rid of this great desire to self punish for ...nothing, really. SIGH.
Now my brain is running a mile a minute with all these thoughts and my heart is beating fast.
But again, I'm listening to my Spring playlist, all light music, catchy, etc. When truly moody, I venture towards darker music. IDK anything anymore
